What We Do Is Secret
Director: Rodger Grossman
Rhino Films
Released: 2007

Shane West … Darby Crash
Bijou Phillips … Lorna Doom
Rick Gonzalez … Pat Smear
Noah Segan … Don Bolles

Punk rock has always had so many rules to follow, rules that if not followed, you’re a poser. You didn’t go to Oki Dog’s on Friday, you’re a poser. You didn’t hang out in one of the train cars, and get arrested in front of Godzilla’s, you are poser.

Well, now that I’m creeping towards my mid-forties, there is a new set of rules that I stumbled upon accidentally.

It seems that if you’re an older dude, forty plus years old, and you’re a Hollywood guy, or fancy your self as an intellectual, you have to start wearing Clark Kent glasses. It doesn’t matter how good your eyesight is, you have start dressing like Greg Hetson. I don’t make the rules, I only enforce them.

On top of the glasses you have to buy a truckload of semi-ironic or downright stupid t-shirts. A guy I used to work with used to wear his Spice World t-shirt once a week. Every week someone would ask him if he liked the Spice Girls, and he’d always flash this condescending smile and say “Oh, of course, I can’t wait for them to tour again.” In other words, buy shirts that you think are stupid, so when you’re asked about them you can ridicule these poor tools.

Now that we got that straight, the next set of rules are as follows: If you’re an older dude, forty plus years old, and you’re a rowdier guy, possibly an ex-HB punk, or fancy your self as a rough-neck, you have to start dressing as if you work in a 1950’s style auto garage. It doesn’t matter what your real job is, you have start dressing like Mike Ness. I don’t make the rules, I only enforce them.

So, if you fit into this category, this is what you need to do. Get to Wal-Mart this weekend, buy one pair of work shoes, preferably Wolverines, then four or five Dickie’s work shirts, and three or four pairs of matching Dickie’s pants.

To give yourself that worked all day in the garage look, throw some garden pebbles in the dryer with your clothes.

Now, the hard part of adopting this look is the tattooing. You have to get tattooed from chin to sack. Again, I don’t make the rules, I only enforce them.

Ask relatives to give you tattoo gift cards for Birthday’s and Holiday’s, after all it’s costly to look poor.

Earrings are no longer a necessary accessory for either of the above two “looks.” Wear at your own discretion.

Now there is one addendum to rule number two (the Mike Ness rule), if you are in your thirties, and are Hispanic you have to follow the Mike Ness rule of dress, but you have to throw in a pompadour, or a bit of a Nick 13 or Tiger Army look. I don’t make the rules, I only enforce them.

I hope I have helped all the confused middle-aged punks out there. It took me a while to figure out how to grow old and be a punk, but these fashion icons, Greg Hetson, Mike Ness and Nick 13 have shown me the way. In turn, I give you my information.

Again, I don’t make the rules, I only enforce them.

On to the review . . .

I haven’t read very good reviews for this flick, but I had to watch it. I heard about this thing soooooooooooo many years ago. They’d film, stop, and get the funds together, film again. So, it was a long time to wait. But unfortunately it’s not what I expected.

You can tell everybody tried real hard, but it still came across as a made for TV kind of movie. The grittiness of Darby’s life was missing. The drugs, the song-writing process, the homosexuality. Don’t get me wrong it’s all shown, but in a very clean homogenized fashion.

I’m glad someone went to the effort to make this. The story should be out there, but it wasn’t like I remember it.

I hear Disney is working on one called The Aristocats 2: The Greg Ginn Story. Could be good, Lee Ving could do the voice of Greg’s favorite cat.

If you get the chance to see this, give it a shot.

Rating: *** ** three out of five stars.

Currently:
Reading: High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
Listening: Marked Men – Ghosts
Watching: Yes Man directed by Peyton Reed